


Hinata's Monster Dick and the Story of How Kageyama Died: A Tragedy

by greyaise



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 100 percent crack, 200 percent dick jokes, Crack, M/M, arguably well written dickery, contains some profanity, contrary to the title there is no character death, do not fear, fear a lot, fear hinata's monster dick, his ass will be missed, massive schlong, okay well fear a little, prayer circle for kageyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 08:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3684654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyaise/pseuds/greyaise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(also: the reason why Hinata is the bottom)<br/>The day Kageyama doesn't show up for practice is the day Karasuno is changed for the rest of their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hinata's Monster Dick and the Story of How Kageyama Died: A Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was written by me and the volleyboys network. We are so sorry
> 
> update: this was supposed to be a multichapter fic but we broke   
> just like kageyama's ass  
> rip us

It all started on a normal day of school before volleyball practice. Not a single member of Karasuno’s volleyball team could have predicted how this day would change their lives forever: the day where their star setter would be put out of commission. The team sat around in the locker room, wondering what could have possibly happened to Kageyama to make him skip practice. It only took a few minutes of curious questions for the everyone to realize that Hinata was blushing and trying to sneak out of the clubroom. The team suddenly grew quiet at Hinata's unusual behavior. Daichi and Sugawara exchanged glances before the latter spoke up.

“Hinata, is Kageyama sick?” Suga asked innocently. Hinata froze. His eyes were averted and he was looking everywhere except his teammate's gaze.

“Uhm...yea...I was going to visit him to see if he’s better, but he’s suuuuuuuuppppppppperrrrrr sick, you don’t want to catch anything.”

Daichi frowned. “I don’t know, I think we should go see him. He must be really out of it to miss practice.”

"No!!" Hinata yelped. "See, it's totally, totally fine if we don't!! Even Kageyama needs a break, right?!"

“Why don’t you want us to see him? Did you want to have some ‘alone time’ with him?” Nishinoya wiggled his eyebrows and smirked. Hinata spluttered for a solid minute, his face bright red.

"Alone time?" Hinata laughed nervously as he continued to try to inch his way to the door. "W-with Kageyama? No way!! Not me, no, who would? No, I-"

Nishinoya smacked Hinata on the back. “I was just kidding, jeez! Why are you so nervous?”

Before Hinata had the chance to respond, Daichi clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Guess it’s settled then! We’ll all be taking a trip to Kageyama’s house after practice today.”

Nishinoya and Tanaka cheered before noticing the sour look on Tsukishima's face. Tanaka raised an eyebrow.

“What got shoved up your ass all of a sudden?”

“Why are we visiting that idiot? He’s probably just laying around butthurt over something stupid.” Hinata stiffened at his comment.

Tanaka pulled Tsukishima into a headlock. “Don’t be an asshole!” he scolded as he dragged the younger member out of the clubroom.

Hinata was still pale, stuttering and mumbling to himself as they left. "We've been found out..."

Tsukishima stopped pulling at Tanaka's arms and narrowed his eyes at the small spiker. "What was that?"

“N-Nothing!!” cried Hinata as he scampered behind the rest of the team out the door.

 ...

Practice went on as usual, except Hinata seemed distracted and anxious the entire time. After Hinata took a few too many balls to the face, Coach Ukai pulled him aside.

“Hinata, what’s wrong with you? Are you sore because Kageyama’s not here?”

“I’m not the sore one…” Hinata mumbled under his breath. Coach Ukai raised an eyebrow.

“What, are you worried that Kageyama will be upset because you can practice and he can’t? It’s not your fault that he’s absent today.”

“Yeah, it’s not my fault he took on way more than he could swallow. Totally not my fault…” Hinata muttered under his breath.

“Exactly! So just stay focused on your game, okay? Use your hands for the balls, not your face!”

Hinata nodded and was sent back to join his teammates. His playing improved slightly after talking to the coach, but his nervousness started to show again as the practice drew to a close.

 ...

In the locker room, Hinata was in a daze and accidentally pulled off more than his shorts. Nishinoya screamed.

“ _WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT_?”

The entire team turned and stared at Hinata’s crotch. Hinata immediately realized his mistake and squawked, trying to cover himself. But the damage was already done.

“Jesus Hinata, you really have a little giant there!” Tanaka said in awe. Even Tsukishima looked mildly impressed. Nishinoya had stopped gawking at Hinata in favor of trying to revive Asahi, who had fainted. Hinata himself looked close to fainting at the sudden attention and buried his face in his hands.

“I guess you really are growing, just not height-wise!” Suga commented. “I was so worried before!”

"Well, it certainly compensates for his height." Daichi added nonchalantly, as if he were discussing volleyball plays and not Hinata’s massive schlong.

Ennoshita snickered. “Yeah, you don’t need to idolize the Small Giant, you already have one in your pants. You’ll definitely be the best spiker.”

Hinata’s face was a worryingly bright shade of red. Tsukishima examined him with almost clinical curiosity. “So, when you jump, does it hurt or… wait, you’re so short it could probably hit you in the face.”

Hinata whirled to face him angrily. "I'll hit you in the face!!"

“ _Dick slap_ ,” Yamaguchi coughed into his sleeve. Asahi, who had just woken up, promptly fainted again.

“No Hinata, don’t do it! Tsukishima only takes Yamaguchi’s dick to the face!” Nishinoya shouted. Tsukishima choked and Yamaguchi cried out in alarm.

“That’s disgusting. I would never-” Tsukishima started. He halted when Daichi placed his hand on his shoulder.

“Tsukishima, we’ve all known about you and Yamaguchi since you first came to the team. I may have accidentally… come to the locker room too soon and…”

“Oh _god_ ,” Yamaguchi moaned. Daichi’s hands shot up to his ears.

“Yamaguchi, please don’t remind me.”

There was a moment of awkward silence before Suga spoke up. “So does that mean I won the bet?” Everyone groaned and reached for their wallets as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi stared in confusion.

“How are you always right about these things?” Tanaka complained. Suga just grinned and gave him a thumbs-up as he collected his winnings.

Nishinoya looked slightly put out, but suddenly brightened. “Oh! Speaking of bets, we still need to go to Kageyama’s place, don’t we?”

“How is the betting pool and Kageyama related?!” Hinata squawked.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, Hinata! Nishinoya is just excited to visit his kouhai’s house.” Suga smiled.

“10 bucks says his room is filled with volleyballs!” Tanaka shouted as they all filed out the room, much to Hinata’s horror.

 ...

The walk over to Kageyama’s house was filled with excitement for the most part - this was basically a field trip, after all - except for Hinata, who dragged his feet like he was participating in a funeral march.

“Yo Hinata, is your dick weighing you down? Pick up the pace!” Nishinoya cried. Hinata immediately tripped and fell on his face.

“Did you just trip on your dick?” Tsukishima asked dryly. Hinata blushed bright red and promptly sprinted ahead of everyone else.

Sugawara watched as he ran and pursed his lips disapprovingly, turning to the team. “Guys, stop these jokes. As we all know, Hinata has a large burden to carry.”

“Yeah, it must be really hard on him,” Nishinoya muttered under his breath while trying to look chastised.

“N-Nishinoya!” Asahi said, looking even more mortified than Hinata had. “Guys, this is serious!”

“Asahi-san, you can’t deny that you’re fascinated by Hinata’s dick as well,” Nishinoya demanded. “Wait, no! Don’t be fascinated by his dick! Think of mine instead!”

There was a pause, and then everyone groaned again as Suga smiled smugly. Nishinoya looked puzzled, and then slapped his forehead.

“Are you kidding me? Who don’t we have a betting pool on?”

The group went quiet before turning to Ennoshita, who shrugged. “Well, you don’t have one on me, and Kinoshita and Narita have been dating since middle school, so I don’t know what the point of that would be…”

There was an awkward silence full of blank stares before Tsukishima asked, “Um, who?”

Ennoshita sighed in exasperation. “Kinoshita Hisashi and Narita Kazuhito? Your teammates? Numbers seven and eight? They’ve been sitting on the bench all year long?”

Tsukishima shrugged; so did most of the rest of the team. “Not ringing a bell, sorry.”

“You know what? Never mind,” said Ennoshita, disgusted.

There was another long stretch of silence before Daichi groaned and rubbed his neck.

“Alright, you all. Let’s just get on with this,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Tanaka gave a wide, devious smile. “Get on with _this_? Or get _it_ on?” He asked, earning himself a slap on the back of the head by both Suga and Daichi.

“Tanaka, do you know _how_ to get it on?” Suga asked scornfully. “Daichi, I think you’ll have to teach him.”

“I think _Hinata_ should be the one to teach him,” Nishinoya said with a wink. Tanaka gaped in horror.

“I do _not_ want to have my delicate asshole ripped to shreds by that monster!” He screeched. There was a thud, and the team turned to see that Asahi had fainted for the third time that day.

“We really need to invest in smelling salts,” said Suga woefully.

“This wouldn’t be a problem if Hinata didn’t have fucking dickasaurus rex in his pants!” Nishinoya said indignantly.

“No, I think tyrannosaurus rex had a slightly bigger dick than that,” said Tsukishima. “Not by much, though.”

Yamaguchi blinked at Tsukki and shook his head, turning away, muttering, "And you comment about my bug obsession."

 ...

Meanwhile, Hinata already reached Kageyama’s house. The front door was locked, but Hinata knew Kageyama’s back door was open. He burst through the doorway and slammed into Kageyama’s room. Kageyama had been lying face down on his bed, but raised his head when Hinata barged in. Even from the doorway, Hinata could see that even the tiniest movements made Kageyama stiffen in pain.

“What are you doing here, dumbass?” Kageyama growled. “You can’t just come so suddenly with no warning like that!”

Hinata gasped for air, breathing still too fast. “I had to warn you… the rest of the team is coming too!”

Kageyama moaned. “Really? All of them at once? I can’t handle that! Not in this condition!”

“Man up, Kageyama! You have to take them all in or else!” Hinata cried desperately.

“Or else what? It’s not like they just come in,” Kageyama said.  

“Kageyama, your _back door is wide open_. They can all get in if they want to!”

“Well, why don’t you go close it then?” asked Kageyama, clenching his fists in the bedsheets.

“It’s too late for that!” said Hinata. Just then, they heard the entire Karasuno team’s shouts as they came inside Kageyama’s house.

“Wow, it’s so spacious in here!” exclaimed Yamaguchi.

“Let’s just go up to his room and see how he’s doing,” Daichi said.

"There’s so many people though, it might be a tight fit," commented Suga. “Plus, Hinata’s already in there!”

“Doesn’t matter, we’ll make it fit! We can cram in there like sardines if we have to!” Nishinoya exclaimed as he pumped his fist. The team made their way up the stairs, just in time to hear Hinata cry out,

“Oh my god, Kageyama, stop being so butthurt!”

The team entered the room.

“Hinata, you can’t just _tell_ someone to stop being butthurt. It takes patience and care to recover from an injury!” Suga exclaimed. “Kageyama probably had a long night!”

Kageyama and Hinata froze.

“So… what kind of injury was so bad that it kept the king off the court and on his ass?” Tsukishima asked.

“He’s not on his ass! Look, its kinda propped up in the air!” Nishinoya commented. “Did you do that for Hinata?” He smirked.

All of the blood in Kageyama’s body rushed to his head. “It’s none of your business, asshole,” he snapped.

“Yeah, fair, your asshole isn’t my business,” responded Nishinoya flippantly.

“I think it’s all of your business now…” Hinata mumbled under his breath. No one heard him except for Suga.

“You don’t _look_ too sick, Kageyama,” Daichi noted. “Why are you home and not on the court?”

“I. Can’t. Move. My body aches all over,” Kageyama groaned. “I’m _definitely_ sick, letting this happen to me.” Kageyama shot Hinata a penetrating glare.

“H-hey, I thought you said that as long as I was here, you were invincible!” Hinata protested.

“No, you dumbass, I said that as long as _I_ was here, _you_ were invincible. _And you definitely fucking vinced me_ ,” he added with a scowl.

“What does that even mean?” Hinata heard Yamaguchi whisper from somewhere in the back.

Suga looked back and forth between the two. First Kageyama, lying on the bed with his ass in the air, then Hinata’s crotch, his pants hiding the beast they all saw earlier that day. Suddenly, everything came together. Daichi glanced over when he heard Suga’s slight gasp.

“Did something happen?” he asked.

“I think… we should leave Kageyama and Hinata alone for now…” Suga said quietly.

“But _why_? We just got here!” Nishinoya whined. The rest of the team made similar noises of dissent. Daichi looked over to where Hinata and Kageyama were still heatedly arguing, then frowned at the other members.

“We still don’t know why Kageyama’s so-”

“IT’S NOT THAT BIG, OKAY? YOU SAID YOU COULD HANDLE ANYTHING.” Hinata yelled, interrupting Nishinoya. The entire team froze. Kageyama was about to retort when he finally noticed his teammates listening. He paled.

“What did you say again?? ‘ _There’s nothing you can do that I can’t handle_ ’? Well it looks like you’re too uptight to take my d-”

Before Hinata could say anything even more incriminating, Kageyama lunged out of bed, trying to slap his hand over Hinata’s mouth. Unfortunately for both of them, Kageyama’s body was not quite up to the task, and instead of just covering Hinata’s mouth he ended up falling on him. They crashed to the floor as their teammates watched in shock.

“MmphphphhhmhpMMMPH- YOUR ASS ISN’T EVEN THAT GREAT ANYWAYS!” Hinata yelled once he escaped from Kageyama’s hand.

“Hinata, you dumbass! The entire team is here!” Kageyama finally snapped. Hinata stopped all motion and slowly rolled his eyes towards the team. They were all staring at him, eyes void of all emotion. Hinata’s face turned green.

“Hinata, I swear to god, if you fucking puke on my face-” Kageyama started. Hinata shook his head frantically and shoved at Kageyama with all his strength.

“Bathroom…!” He broke free and immediately ran out the door. The team looked down at Kageyama, faces blank. Kageyama gulped. After a moment of silence, Daichi walked towards Kageyama, knelt down, and placed his hand on his shoulder. A glimmer of understanding shone in his eyes.

“Kageyama...if you took _that_ up your ass...take as many days off as you need to.” The entire team nodded solemnly.

“RIP Kageyama’s asshole...literally,” Tanaka whispered as a tear fell from his eye. The other team members quietly shuffled out of Kageyama’s bedroom. Suga was the last one out, and gave a stunned Kageyama a sympathetic smile before leaving.

A few minutes later, Hinata peeked back into the room. “Hey, where did everyone go?” he asked.

“They left,” Kageyama said flatly. “But first of all, how the fuck does the team know how big your dick is?!”

Hinata paled. “Ehehe… Funny story about that…”

 ...

Outside, the Karasuno team was making their way back home. When they reached the split in the road where they would separate, Suga cleared his throat pointedly. Everyone sighed and pulled out their wallets for the third time that day.

“Seriously, how the fuck are you so good at this?” Tanaka grumbled.

“Mother’s intuition!”

Asahi frowned. “But you’re not… our mother…?” Nishinoya quickly shushed him.

“Don’t question it,” he advised as they started to walk away.

“You know, Hinata got that giant from his ‘mother’s’ side…” Daichi commented. The entire team froze in their tracks, then turned their heads slowly. Suga smirked.

“Daichi could probably teach Kageyama a thing or two about prepping himself beforehand.”

The team went home that day with more knowledge about their “parents” and kohais they ever wanted to know.

They cried themselves to sleep.

(Even Tsukki.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> track this fic on tumblr! #hinata%27s_massive_schlong


End file.
